Friday, January 24, 2014

GUEST POST: The-Lost's Favorite Older Film Discoveries Of 2013

Inspired by drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs, is a desolate road trip through the backwoods of B-movies and cult films.   The site has some fun reviews written by a collection of movie lovers with a great sense of humor.     Check out the site at 

LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988) - Review By:  Barry Goodall 
LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM really lives up to it's title in that's there's a cave and a giant albino worm.The story revolves around an Archeologist and his girlfriend who unearth a weird snake skull behind their English cottage. They show it to the local lord of the manor, James d'Ampton. James is played by an incredibly British Hugh Grant at his Grantiest who is the descendant of a famous snake killer. Not impressed they decide to keep the skull at their house. Unfortunately a local snake vampire, Lady Sylvia Marsh, lives down the road and has been luring victims to her mansion and turning them into snake vampire slaves. Her plans are to resurrect an albino worm god to reign terror on earth and help bring improved soil water filtration to all. This requires a virgin sacrifice, which is not an easy things to come by in 80's rural England. Hugh Grant was just looking for a chance to play with his sword. Barry Goodall says LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM will hook ya, so check it out.

BLOODSPORT (1988) - Review By: Tiger Sixon
Everyone loves an underdog. Now, an underdog who can do the splits and knock guys out with a kick to the head? Even better. Jean-Claude Van Damme's BLOODSPORT has pretty much everything I want in an action movie. Training montage? Yep. A dangerous tournament in a spooky city? Yep. A deadly fighter with man-boobs? Yep. BLOODSPORT has it all, and more. Let's not forget the 80s-action-music infused tournament montages either. It is a feast for the eyes, watching a young Van Damme tear his way through opponent after opponent. Speaking of montages, Van Damme's training montages are some of the best ever—including when he gets stretched into the splits by his teacher. Ya don't see such dedication in movies these days, which is why BLOODSPORT truly is a treasure. Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley and write reviews for Lost Highway. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

MIAMI CONNECTION (1987) - Review By: Doktor
The first precept of the Forbidden Sciences states that the 80’s birthed an infinite number of cult films. These films continue to surprise cultchiatrists such as myself thirty years on. Case in point, I discovered MIAMI CONNECTION January 18, 2013, and is, without a hint hyperbole, the penultimate of Grade-B movie entertainment.

Thanks to Tony Montana, Sonny Crockett, and Rico Tubbs everyone knows Miami was the blow capital of the world. What most people don’t know is that Miami was also crawling with Ninja—a very specific Ninja: Miami Motorcycle Ninja or Llello (pronounced YAY-yo) Ninja. The only known counter to the Llello Ninja is the even more rare synth-rock, college student, Tae Kwon Do team, Dragon Sound. They rock hard. They study harder. They karate chop hardest. They eat, sleep, party together. They even have a song about it, “Friends.” (Free Downlad link-

Despite all the machismo, at it’s heart MIAMI CONNECTION is a feel-good movie that’ll restore you faith in humanity. Jim’s search for his father is so moving even the hardest of Grinches’ hearts will grow two sizes too big, which will likely kill him but who cares? He was a jerk and deserves what he gets, right? The only negative criticism I have is Jim needs to learn to zip up his pants when he’s walking around the house. But, hey, let’s give a little something for the ladies for a change, amirite?

NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1980) - Review By: The Goon 
As a lover of the Video Nasties, I can’t believe it took me that long to see NIGHT OF THE DEMON. I was aware of it, but had never viewed it until I picked it up at are yard sale for a quarter. The story is disjointed, as a survivor details his story of standing around in a flannel accompanied by several other people in flannels as they search for Sasquatch. The film cuts back and forth between these toneless nimrods to Bigfoot savagely and ferociously butchering people! The gore here is preposterous, most notably when a biker has his wedding tackle yanked off by the hairy palm of the ‘Squatch. When he isn’t ripping out someone guts from underneath an ugly 80’s flannel or melting someone’s face with a frying pan, Sasquatch is making use of a camper in a sleeping bag by twirling him around like a flail! Perhaps the most ridiculous death is when two Girl Scouts are frolicking in the forest WITH KNIVES and he grabs their arms, forcing them to stab each other! It’s absurd, it’s laughable, it’s one of the greatest times I’ve had watching a movie. Best quarter I’ve ever spent.

SUSPIRIA (1977) - Review By: Die-Anne Takillya
I've loved horror since I was a kid. My mom managed a small video store, and I would run around, but would always end up in the horror section, mesmerized by the lurid covers of the VHS boxes, waiting until mom was distracted enough for me to grab a box and try to read the back cover. Without fail, she would catch me staring goggle-eyed at bloody, screaming faces, and I would be shooed back to the kiddy section. But, the damage was done, and here I am today. As much as I love the genre, I hadn't watched SUSPIRIA  until this past year. My pantone-red heart grew three sizes that night. It even inspired me to change my lightbulbs, making my room deep red or dark blue, just off-kilter enough to make people uncomfortable, which was a wonderful device Argento used liberally. I won't say I understood it, I won't say I could truly critique it if I tried, but damn if I didn't enjoy it. The weird witch-zombie subplot, the scary German teacher making those poor ballerinas twirl until they fell out, mysterious illnesses, and a... crystal peacock? I will admit it here: I don't get it, but I love it, and I finally realized that when it comes to Italian horror, I don't really have to get it. I guess that preserves my cred after all.